magik colours

What would you answer when somebody ask you the question of ‘what do you want?’

I will answer that ‘I want what I want’. How many of us want what we want... what we really want. Some of us or actually many of us will want what other people want us to want. I haven’t come to the question of what are we doing now. Are we doing what we want? Are we doing what other people want us to do? Is it really bad... the things what we want that we cannot do what we wanted to? Is what other people thinks good for us is really good for us to want and to do.

      Today I walked by a store and I had a glance of a shoe that I really had a crush on. Come on.. don’t tell me you had never been in this situation. Its not just a shoe, it’s a green shoe.. not very dark and not very light coloured. It’s a beautiful green coloured shoe. Feeling tempted.. I walk to the store.. to the rack and hold it for a while. I didn’t try the green shoe.. instead I tried the one next to it of the brown color of the same design cause in a blink, my mind is telling me my dark skin wont fit the green shoe. I have always had browns. A major portion of my stuffs in my closet are browns. It always fit me best. I had it on my foot.. and damn it looks good on me and it feels good to my skin. I had a smile on my lips.. I put it back on the rack, and I walk away. Of course I didn’t buy it.. its not the one that I’ve crushed on. That is a sample a minor incident that I have in my life or maybe in our life (if you ever experience of same meaning)that actually portray a major ‘me’.. a totally ‘you’ maybe. To summarize is actually I don’t wear what I want.. I wear what fits me best.

Shall I prolonged this example. A major example in my life. I had a crush with this guy. I kinda fancy him for everything him. His bad side.. his good.. whatever visible of him to me. This adoration discovered to be a two way and soon we end up having a relationship. I fancy him still during that time. But somehow we didn’t really fit each other. Wearing me, he looks bad. He even feels bad. And so they tell me. And so it really feels true; what they tell me with their words, in their looks. So I left him so that he could wear someone that looks and feels good with him. So what happens? He is the green shoe that I could have bought this evening... but I don’t.

What happens further in life?

Fairy tale: I will forget what I think that maybe looks bad on me. My heart is what matters. I will go back to the store and just buy the shoe I want. I should just try to do what I could and I actually for all this while could be the one that fits this guy. I could be the one he is comfortable to be with. And I live happily and satisfied.

Real life: I will forget what I think that maybe by wearing this green color looks bad on me. Oh for god sake just buy it! I will go back to the store and I saw this girl is trying the shoe on her foot. The brown one that I tried. And even the brown one looks crazy good on her, far better than mine in it. to compare with mine, it is probably with the much more lovely shape of foot she had, with the finer skin tone and really think the shoe should be praying for her to buy it before I did. My step halted; maybe what I did wasn’t so bad. What I left behind might be just right for the shoe or for him to be. Lets look on the bright side.. if I let them be.. I need’nt be so inferior myself. The shoe don’t speak visually that it looks good on me, it even looks much better on her. It looks better on someone else’s. The guy don’t defend me either.. sadly. Maybe I’m not worth defended. He looks much better with someone else. Fuck em! really.. what the heck.. lets go to another store and find myself a flip flop!     

If you find yourself this morning, this noon or this evening... whenever that time is. Wondering... what have you chose for yourself all this while? Has it been worthwhile or has it been what it should best be...

If you find yourself hard to answer...

I am asking you again... what would you do? Or at least.. what would you wanted to do (even if you don’t have the courage..)

what am I bluffing J

-ami's entry:)